(April 1st, 2021) This morning, the major rideshare, shopping, and food delivery companies announced that their consortium, "Delivery, Inc.," has successfully acquired the rest of the world. The new world, under their unified political and corporate organization, will be called Delivery.
A spokesperson for the consortium was made available to Tipped. They noted that "under the terms of the acquisition, all industries and transactions will now be managed through the company's app." The spokesperson elaborated, noting that the the legacy shopping, grocery, and delivery apps were being phased out and everyone would be required to use the new Driver app for all delivery activity. Customers also would be required to use a new unified customer app, called 'Customer,' which would also replace legacy shopping and banking apps and serve as the controlling app for all consumer-based economic activity.
Delivery, Inc. has many exciting improvements planned, which will improve the customer experience in all aspects of daily life. Some of the early upgrades include:
- Indoor dining and delivery will be banned worldwide on alternating days, creating extraordinary demand for both when available. On delivery-only days, delivery drivers will have full employment, and on eat-in only days, rideshare drivers will be just as busy.
- Everyone will have the opportunity to work several days a week, and will receive pay which will be in a new worldwide currency which is valid in the Delivery, Inc. store for purchasing goods and delivery services themselves, as well as exciting Driver swag.
- While cooking at home will remain legal, it will be mandatory (verified by the consumer's app account) to eat out or order in at least 4 days a week.
Restaurant menus are a source of constant confusion for consumers. Delivery, Inc. is introducing a standardized product naming convention, which will tell consumers exactly what they are ordering, every time, from every restaurant. Rather than subjective product names, restaurants will now name products by an easy-to-read hexadecimal naming system, which describes all ingredients greater than 2% of the product weight, as well as the preparation method.
As an example, that Big Boy Pepperoni Pizza will now be known as 073d3a-84e1e5-99de4a-8721a9:a4.
Delivery drivers are already accustomed to seeing order information using this simple system, so the transition should be seamless for them. During the transition period, restaurants will be allowed an 8-character plain text supplemental description field below the actual item code.
In order to conserve pixels, food photos will no longer be permitted. (Existing legacy government bureaucracies will transition to the implementation and oversight of the Prepared Food Code.)
On the topic of grocery stores, many exciting changes are forthcoming. The scourge of shoppers - varied packaging and labeling - is being done away with. Each product will simply have its UPC code as the only package decoration.
The store will be organized in UPC numeric order, so everything will be easy to find once you know the UPC code of the product you want. Additionally, the grocery app will let customers automatically answer ‘yes’ to every replacement question.
The spokesperson noted that in order to help customers learn how to better navigate purchases in the new system, the education system would be revamped and would concentrate on learning to use the app, and memorizing UPC and finished food product codes.
"Our goal is for every student who graduates to know how to use both the Driver and Customer app at a very high proficiency level, and to have memorized at least 1,000 UPC codes of common grocery products, and to be able to recite the hexadecimal names of 100 common ingredients. We believe we can do this by a combination of elimination of redundant or obsolete courses, as well as targeted reward/punishment teaching methods that up until now were not allowed in most western countries."
Delivery, Inc. noted that one of the consortium members, a grocery shopping app, had provided the model for the chat support service that would be made available to the general population to assist in the transition. "This member really has taken the concept of support to the next level already, so all we needed to do is tweak a little bit here and there. For example, the member's support agents are currently required to ask for 2 minutes from the driver when they are looking up a piece of data. We are going to reduce that to a request for 1 minute!"
On the subject of entertainment, Delivery, Inc. noted that it would work with its subsidiaries to make sure all entertainment media made going forward properly reflected the positive role of the app in consumers' lives, and how misuse of or lack of the app would create problems and conflict. There are also plans to update classic films to reflect more accurate values.
"Most classic movies only need a slight addition or explanation to illustrate how the app was ultimately the solution to the underlying problem. Whether the plot is about missing strawberries or a fight against the Dark Lord, the app is going to be front and center in the solution."
Initial delivery driver reactions were positive.
One driver, named Phillip, noted that "This is a good thing. I don't need to even have a bank account anymore - I can just buy everything I need straight from the app."
James, a food delivery driver in Iowa, agreed;
"These app companies have been taking care of us just fine, and increasing benefits and pay all along, so just think of what they can do now that they own the whole world! Everyone can be rich!"
Some drivers felt uninformed, but confident. One anonymous driver summed matters up by saying, "Delivery, Inc. is always right. I will work harder."
The acquisition is subject to customary closing conditions and is expected to close in the next 30 days.